FIRST HALF BOTTOM 5

4 Sep

Now this was a challenge.  If you’re a regular reader of the blog, you know why.  When I pan a record, I pan a record.  Picking just 5 from the countless number of negative reviews that I’ve dished out in the first half was hard enough—I then made myself listen to select songs from these albums again, just to get my blood at its optimal boiling temperature.  I’m bored; I’m angry.  Let’s do this.

5. The Drums – The Drums

I pointed out in my original review of this record that The Drums aren’t necessarily bad, but rather extremely trite and boring.  I’d like to retract that statement.  Yes, this band is still egregiously uninteresting, but I just listened to Down by the Water again.  It’s awful!  They just try to please too many people with their music, and what we end up with is a record that sounds like it was made by an evil indie rock cabal.  “Poor, deformed The Drums” indeed.

4. John Hiatt – Riding With the King

If you click on the record cover to the right, you can see it in it’s full, 300×300 pixel glory. Just look at that.  I don’t even have to write anything else here.  But I will.  John Hiatt, maybe if you decided what you wanted to be, we’d have some good music on our hands.  Yeah, the odds are slim, but that would at least make for a better record than Riding With The King.  Instead of butchering just one genre of music, Hiatt assaults 20 or so with his obnoxious voice and aura of mediocrity.

3. They Might Be Giants – Join Us

Speaking of bad album artwork…you know what, TMBG, I don’t think I will be joining you any time soon.  I imagine that if I hopped in your pink monster truck, your terrible, try-hard music would send us careening off of a cliff and into a bottomless pit.  The world would be a better place without you, though, and that’s actually a sacrifice that I would seriously consider making.  This record is really only so disappointing because of what this band was once capable of.  Now, like a dad on a longboard, they’ve lost everything that once made them cool, are trying desperately to get it back, and only failing spectacularly. The best part is, TMBG will release another one of these within two years, just because they can. 

2. Hoodie Allen – Pep Rally

You know what, I’m not going to type too much here.  If you’re new here, or have just forgotten, go ahead and click that link up yonder.  My thoughts on Hoodie and his music remain unchanged, and I think I sum it up as well as I possibly can in that post.  Hoodie, we’ve got out differences music-wise, and I still can’t stand the crowd that listens to your stuff.  I’ma leave it at that.

1. King Crimson – In the Court of the Crimson King

Wow.  I just read through my post about this album for the first time since uploading.  That right there is some anger.  Can you blame me, though?  I think that’s a reasonable reaction to sitting through 43 minutes of flute solos, uninventive, repetitive lyrics, and an overall cloud of pretentiousness.  The most annoying thing is that everyone on earth seems to love this record.  See, this is where some commenters’ arguments about me fall flat.  If I don’t like an album, no matter how great, influential, or inventive it’s supposed to be, you’re going to hear about it.  Hey, King Crimson, I didn’t catch you the first few times.  Did you talk to the wind?  If so, did it hear you?

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2 Responses to “FIRST HALF BOTTOM 5”

  1. Yuanny Dollar September 6, 2011 at 1:11 am #

    Mr. Ear: It isn’t a pink monster truck. It’s a pink monster hearse. It doesn’t get much more witty than that. Take back everything you said.

  2. Uncle Jiggly September 6, 2011 at 5:24 am #

    A dad on a longboard may not look cool to you but have you ever tried to ride on? Have you tried to lift one? It’s not for the hernia prone, that’s for certain!

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